Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Baddiest Baddies in Games

Following on from ten of the best video game toons, here are ten of the worst. Some are here because they are just too evil, some are here because they are so frustrating. Sephiroth isn't on this list. He killed Aeris, fucking get over it. Oh, and there is no particular order.

Kaepora Gaebora (The Owl) from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time


There's a very good reason why this piece of shit is on the list. Because he is pure fucking evil. Don't think so? I beg to differ, see below:

"Hoo hoot!
Link...
Look up here!"

*Pressing A to skip, skip, skip*

"It appears that the time has finally come for you to start your adventure!"

*Pressing A to skip, skip, skip*

"You will encounter many hardships ahead...That is your fate. Don't feel discouraged, even during the toughest times!"

*Pressing A to skip, skip, skip*

"Go straight this way and you will see Hyrule Castle."

*Pressing A to skip, skip, skip*

"You will meet a princess there..."

*Pressing A to skip, skip, skip*

"If you are lost and don't know which way to go, look at the map."

*Pressing A to skip, skip, skip*

"The areas you have explored will be shown on the Map. Press START to enter the Subscreens and [R] or [Z] to find the Map."

*Pressing A to skip, skip, skip*

"On the Map Subscreen, you will also see a flashing dot showing you which way you should go next."

*Pressing A to skip, skip, skip*

"Did you get all that?"
--->No
       Yes

*Pressing A to skip, skip, skip and the owl starts again*

"Hoo hoot!
Link...
Look up here!"

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU, KAEPORA GAEBORA!!!!!!

Maester Seymour Guado from Final Fantasy X

Where even to begin with this guy?

Let's start with his voice. He's got this soft, delicate voice that sounds like he was raised in the Baaj Island Finishing School for Effeminate Teenagers. The end result is that when he's telling you about his plan to become Sin and destroy Spira once and for all, he sounds like a priest telling you off for swearing at your brother and sentencing you to seven Hail Marys.

Then there is his dress sense. On top, his hair looks like something from Jean Paul Gaultiers sketchbook. He is also rocking a strange sort of dress that does nothing but show off his chest tattoos, making him look like some multi-coloured hair metaller from the 80s. The he finishes it off with a bottom half that looks like a lamp shade from a Victorian hotel and a ribbon on his waist that would be better on one of Elton Johns birthday presents.

His whole reasoning behind being thoroughly evil is questionable too. To stop the suffering of the people of Spira, he decides killing everyone is the best solution. Top marks genius, you think you could have a bash at solving world hunger?

And he thinks he can marry Yuna, the shit.

Dr. Bad-Boon from Super Monkey Ball 2

Baboon wasn't born evil. Exposure to violent computer games and filthy movies warped his damaged little mind, and when selecting his third-level education, Baboon opted to do a foundation degree in Cruelty and Applied Nippleclamping. It was during this first year of university he changed his name, first to Baboon Guevara and then to Bad-Boon. He transferred to an undergraduate degree in Pain Studies before finally completing a PhD in Evil, with a dissertation Udderly Awesome: The Role of Cattle Prods in post-Industrial Europe, which earned him his title Dr. Bad-Boon.

Dr. Bad-Boon has a strong infatuation with MeeMee, the slutty monkey with the bow in her hair. However, he is distraught to find that she is married to AiAi and that the pair have a baby called...Baby. So instead of doing the easy thing and waiting for AiAi in an alleyway with a gutting knife, Dr. Bad-Boon builds a fucking time machine and travels back in time to an era before MeeMee is married. Because that's what you do.

He tries everything to split them up. He even has sex with a donkey and superimposes AiAi's face onto it which he then sends to MeeMee. Sadly, due to an oversight, he actually sends a photo of himself having sex with a donkey that has AiAi's face. MeeMee remains uninterested.

Dr. Bad-Boon eventually commits suicide, alone in the bath, and Monkey Island celebrates with a banana binge.

Gammon/dorf from the Legend of Zelda series

A nice bit of gammon. Because my Ma is from the country, I like a nice bit of gammon in my hand before getting on me Massey-Ferguson and headin' out ti thon field, sir.

But I don't like Gammondorf. I definitely wouldn't want to have him in my hand, unless he was very very small.

This cat gets his kicks out of kidnapping young princesses. I'm pretty sure that if he lived in our world, the Sun would have a campaign to keep him in prison, where the other inmates would call him a 'nonce' and tell him he is going to get 'fucking shanked' in the 'kharzi'.

Luckily for Gammon, in Hyrule, abducting royal children is a minor disturbance, with recovery of said royal minor left to an untested, Peter Pan-lookalike. Fair enough.

Gammon is also notable because he is a major computer game villain who also happens to have a serious genetic disability. He is ginger, and ginger people don't have souls.

Kreia aka Darth Traya from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2

Yeah, so I didn't figure an elderly woman would make it on to this list. But this coffin-dodger isn't just any OAP. This burden-on-her-children also happens to be a Dark Lord of the Sith, oh yeah. And she is using you as a vessel of her revenge!

The reason why Kreia made it on to her list is that you can never really tell which side she is on. She will give you similar advice for similar circumstances. She will tell you to avoid relationships with other members of your party to avoid extremes of emotion, yet she'll also suggest you be prepared to leave them to die in order to complete your mission.

The main deal is that in the Star Wars movies, the line between the light and dark side of the Force is very clearly defined. There are good choices and bad. What the character of Kreia does (and in doing so identifies a real strength of video games) is add a high level of ambiguity and makes an intangible concept like the Force very very real, and very difficult to apply. If you want to play the game as a light Jedi, you can't follow all of Kreia's advice. If you want to play as a dark Jedi, you can't follow all of Kreia's advice. Instead you have to think for yourself what your character would do to follow a particular path, and the answer isn't always obvious.

GlaDOS from Portal

GlaDOS (Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System) is my favourite bad guy(girl?) on this list by about a million fucking miles.

Initially coming across as a matronly voice of concern, this Artificial Intelligence construct is your guide through the early levels of Portal, promising you a lovely slice of cake when you have completed the assessment. And I fucking love cake.

As you play through Portal, you soon learn that GlaDOS has suffered a mental breakdown and has become quite evil, killing everyone in the Aperture Science labs, and attempting to prematurely cremate you. Worst of all: The cake is a fucking lie.

Her voice changes from motherly encouragement to sarcastic mockery and, in it's own way, becomes strangely intimidating. At the same time being truly hilarious.

Sample GlaDOS quotes:
"Deploying surprise in five... four... Time out for a second. That wasn't supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It's not the surprise... I've never seen it before. Never mind, it's a mystery I'll solve later, by myself, because you'll be dead."

"That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero."

And not only that, but once you have completed the game, GlaDOS sings you a lovely song.

Waluigi from the Mario series

Right, I don't know what the fuck this dickhead's problem is but I do know he can fuck right off.

Created for no apparent reason other than to give Luigi an archnemesis in the same way Wario is the enemy of Mario, Waluigi is a complete bastard.

No-one gives a fuck about Luigi anyway so people will give even less of a fuck about his nemesis. And the naming is all wrong. If Mario becomes Wario, then it stands to reason that Luigi should be morphed into Wuigi. But it's fucking difficult to say Woo-eee-gee, right? No it's fucking not, I just did it. That just reflects the total lack of thought that went into creating this character.

And he looks like a paedophile. Attractively-coloured outfit to entice children? Check. White gloves to deter fingerprinting techniques? Check. Old-timey facial hair? Check. Clogs? Check. Dungarees? Check.

Also there's a reason why, in Mario Kart, Waluigi has a van that says 'Free Candy Inside!' on it.

Dr. Ivo Robotnik from Sonic the Hedgehog 1, 2, & 3

The second doctor on my list is also known as Dr. Eggman, a title granted due to his unique, egg-like shape. Personally, I think it should be Dr. Eggdoctor, but I've already ranted about one name, so no more.

Dr. Robotnik is a crazed genius, possessing an IQ of 300 and is hot shit when he comes to robots. Which is cool, everyone likes robots. Johnny 5, R2-D2, Bishop from Aliens, Keanu Reeves etc. So yay, go robots. But Dr. Robotnik is being a right shit about things, capturing cuddly fuckers from the forest and using them to build his nefarious creations!

Which makes me question his expertise on robots. Surely the whole point of a robot is to build a machine that is independent of natural life? If you need to kill little animals to make your robot work, then it's a shitty robot, pal. If I superglue tinfoil to my cat, I haven't invented anything, I've just made myself liable to animal cruelty charges.

Obviously no-one has pointed this out to Ivo, so most days you can find him in his shed, abusing animals.

Albert Wesker from the Resident Evil series

Albert Wesker is a prick.

He starts off being your commanding officer in the first Resident Evil and is typically aloof and uninterested which really made me doubt myself and affected my self-esteem. Not only that, but the chufter is only a bloody double agent, working for the Umbrella-ella Corp. and using you as a human guinea pig to see how easy it is to kill infected zombies. This rotter gets his comeuppance when one of the monsters kills him.

Only no he fucking doesn't! He comes back in Resident Evil: Code Veronica, only this time with fucking superpowers. Turns out the git had only gone and injected himself with the virus just before his death, granting him superhuman abilities at the expense of his humanity! Why did I not get any virus? Humanity-schumanity, if I could speed around and do my shopping in the Co-Op in 30 seconds, I'd be well up for it.

Eventually Wesker meets a sticky end. You shoot him in the face with two rockets while he is waist deep in lava from a volcano. He's dead then....right?

Pyramid Head from the Silent Hill series

So I was tempted to just put the entire town of Silent Hill in as the tenth baddest baddie. That place is fucked up, slimy dead things everywhere, distraught men looking for their wives roaming the streets with guns, hideously disfigured female zombies, it's almost as bad as Larne.

But Silent Hill's scariest resident is a guy known as Pyramid Head. I'm not sure how he got that title, but he's working it.

The character designers used the iconography of pain when designing this character. I think it looks snazzy. From the blood-stained butchers smock, to the metallic, triangle-shaped mask, to the oversized, rusted machete he wields, Pyramid Head has a style that works in summer or winter.

Interestingly, Pyramid Head is the only character on this list who likes to indulge in a spot of sexual assault, as he does a few times in Silent Hill 2.

Seriously though, Pyramid Head is not the sort of motherfucker you want to mess with. He even manages to be scary in the abortion that was the Silent Hill movie.

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