Monday, 5 July 2010

Ten Awesomest Good Guys in Computer Games

I've noticed pretty much every major gaming news site does like a top 100, or top 50 or something computer game characters list, and since I'm a major gaming news site, I'm going to do my top ten.

There's no particular order here, just ten great games characters. If you think I've overlooked a really important one who just deserves to be in the top ten, you are wrong, I haven't overlooked anything.

Link from the Legend of Zelda series


The above screenshot is taken from the new Zelda game. It's currently in development and is called The Legend of Zelda: Pasty and Porky. Despite dressing like a cross between Peter Pan and Robin Hood, Link is as hard as fuck. He has an array of deadly weaponry, like a bow and arrow or a hookshot, which is basically a spring-loaded harpoon gun on a chain which he uses to cave peasants faces in before smashing up all their earthenware pots and stealing the rupees they were saving to send their hermaphrodite son/daughter to Hyrule Hospital and get their extra junk lopped off. 

Link has also saved Princess Zelda from certain doom, like, fifteen times. All this, and he still hasn't seen her royal boobies.

Lara Croft from the Tomb Raider series

Continuing the boobie talk, the main thing about Lara is her chesticles. When the first Tomb Raider game was released in the 90s, Lara had breasts so disproportionate that, if she were a real woman, she would have been crushed by the gravitational pull of her baby globes.

Personally, I never paid much attention to her babs, I was always more of a kneecap kinda guy. Still, Lara is handy with a gun, independently wealthy and wears tiny wee shorts, so she is pretty bad ass. It's also worth pointing out that Lara is the only female character on this list, which is evidence that all games developers are misogynistic chauvinists who have some kind of homoerotic fixation with alpha-male stereotypes. If you disagree, don't argue with me. Talk to Einstein because he said it first and he does science.

Solid Snake from the Metal Gear series

Ok, so the guy has a name that sounds like a euphemism for poo poo, but he is still more badass than every Jackie Chan DVD melted down into a big stick of shiny plastic with an axehead glued to it.

Based on the most manly action heroes of the 80s (Michael Biehn, Kurt Russell, *ahem* Mel Gibson), Solid Snake is a six-foot tall portion of ass-whoopin'. He basically spends his time creeping around, pulling bad guys' heads off and generally upsetting some secret order that wants to rule the planet. Not only that, but he fights against nuclear proliferation. That's right, like fucking Greenpeace or some shit. So not only does Solid Snake score highly with emotionally damaged women who like to pump 'ron and then get mistreated by their other halves, he also gets points with the ladies who don't shave their armpits and consider washing their hair to be 'raping Mother Nature'.

Also, look at his fashion sense. Not enough people wear a steel-blue one piece and a low-hanging bandana with a built-in Wind Direction Indicator. North-west, Solid, north-west!.

Pacman from...Pacman

What can I say about Pacman that hasn't been said before? Plenty.

In Japan, Pacman is known as Hungry Yellow Man Consuming the Pebbles of the Approaching Honourable Ghost, a title which was shortened for the benefit of a confused Western audience.

Pacman, pursued by ghosts, runs around inside a fixed course eating as many pills as he can find until he finds a magic pill that allows him to chase after the ghosts and eat them, regurgitating only their eyes. Pacman is really a meditation on the relationship between an individual and their past, a past represented by the ghosts. Each of us must find and consume the pill of Acceptance to allow us to hunt down the painful memories of our past and come to terms with them (consume them). It is also a reflection of the changing social relationships of people of different racial groupings in the postmodern landscape. Pacman is determined and powerful art.

Parents groups have also celebrated the positive educational message found within Pacman. Children are taught that should they find themselves trapped in close-quarters with a variety of pills, they must eat every pill they can find until they have the ability to consume ghosts and vomit their eyes out.

There is also a Mrs. Pacman, so our boy here must get some skank.

Gordon Freeman from the Half Life series


Dr. Gordon Freeman, the one free man. A name that is a little bit like Morgan Freeman and a face that is a little bit like Dr. Gregory House.

If you ask a gamer what they want to be when they grow up, the answer will be Gordon Freeman. Even if they don't say it, everybody wants to be Gordon Freeman.

He's a strong-but-silent type, lethal with a crowbar, comfortable in the operation of guns and experimental technologies, he's got an awesome power suit, the ladies love him, and to top it off, he's a scientist. That's right, not some muscle-bound grotesque, grimacing because of the strain of pooping another grenade, but a skinny-ass nerd. And not like a psychologist scientist, a real one, like a geologist. Glory be to Gordon.

Sonic the Hedgehog from Sonic the Hedgehog 1, 2 & 3

Right, a few common misconceptions to clear up. First, hedgehogs can be blue. Secondly, blue hedgehogs have been known to move at speeds approaching the speed of sound. Third, hedgehogs and foxes have been known to develop deep bonds of friendship.

Now that we've got the scientific stuff out of the way, let's look at why Sonic the Hedgehog is on this list.

He's all about the bling. Motherfucker collects rings and when he's collected 100, he gets another life. Just like Jesus. Or Gangsta Jesus, maybe.

He's also got this devil may care attitude. Like there was this one time when he was chasing down one of Dr. Robotniks inventions and accidentally rolled through an orphanage and blinded this six-year old and the media were all like 'We must imprison this dangerous vigilante' and 'How many more will be maimed?' and Sonic was all like 'Pshaw, it ain't no thing. GIVE ME MY FUCKING RINGS!!!! ARRGGHH!' and that's what makes him great.

The sad thing is that Sonic only appeared in three games, Sonic 1, 2 and 3. It's a pity but at least they didn't follow up those games with a bunch of shitty titles that ruined Sonics reputation. And if anyone tells you otherwise, then they are LYING.


Mister Chef from the Halo series

Mister Chef is the main protagonist of the Xbox's flagship Halo games. His real name is John-117, because in the futures, people decided to jazz up their names by adding numbers at the end. John joined the military at the age of 17 even though the thought of her only son being at war kept Mrs. 117 up all night with worry and John was originally supposed to work in his fathers fish shop, Mr. 117s Underwater Bounty Emporium.


Mister Chef is basically your cybernetically-enhanced supersoldier type, possessing an unnaturally high sex-drive and unflinchingly loyal to the chain of command. He is never seen out of his armour and the games he has featured in have never shown his face. Therefore there is a lot of speculation as to what he really looks like. Thing is, I already know. Bungie appeared to me in a dream and showed me the true face of Mister Chef. I have included a sketch below. Prepare to have your mind blown.


Mario from Super Mario Bros.

Mario, an Italian plumber who lives in the Mushroom Kingdom, is one of the most iconic video game characters of all time. Most put his success down to the fact that, shortly after completing his apprenticeship in Naples, he moved to the Mushroom Kingdom. Mushrooms, being simple, unimaginative creatures, had never seen an Italian or a plumber before and thus Mario's fame was assured. Therefore, when the Princess was kidnapped, the Mushroom People didn't turn to the Armed Mushroom Forces or the National Mushroom Security Agency, they turned to Mario.
As far as the games themselves are concerned, they are stuffed full of communist propaganda. Mushrooms and turtles are the two main symbols of capitalism, and as Mario spends much of him time stomping said fungi and reptiles, he is considered to be one of the main proponents of a global communist state and has often been asked to give evidence at the United Nations.

The Mario games are also notable as they encourage children to explore abandoned pipes and eat any brightly coloured mushrooms that they find.

Captain Price from Modern Warfare 1 & 2



Captain Price is the embodiment of modern military prowess and oldtime gentlemanly facial hair.

In many ways similar to Jack Bauer, Captain Price enjoys a spot of torture, putting a knife into an unsuspecting cranium, the illegal launch of nuclear weapons and long walks along the beach.

From being the greatest uncle you've never had in the first Modern Warfare through to going fuckballs banana crazy in Modern Warfare 2, your time with Captain Price is always a laff riot and he is always on hand to offer some advice on your choice of weapon or the best way to ensure your hands stay baby soft during prolonged exposure to Arctic temperatures.

When away from the frontlines, Captain Price (Teddy to his friends) likes to unwind with a nice glass of Pimms and a Danielle Steele novel, in between visits to the face barber and the sauna of his local YMCA.

Auron from Final Fantasy X

There has never been a videogame character as manly as Auron from Final Fantasy X.

Showing up at the start of FFX, the first thing we see of Auron is him slurping from what appears to be a bottle of scrumpy cider. Next thing you know he is saving you from death and giving you gruff instructions like a drunk uncle trying to teach you self-defense at a wedding.

His sense of style is breathtaking. He manages to pull of the whole steampunk-glasses-with-a-billowing-red-coat-plus-one-single-glove-and-a-massive-neck-warmer-while-wearing-a-sling-and-holding-a-massive-sword look perfectly.

Spoiler alert: Not only does he shine in an emasculated darkness like a beacon of radiant masculinity, but he is also dead. That's right, he's a fucking zombie.

Everything is better with zombies.

2 comments:

  1. haha that was great, I cant agree more or less about Auron.

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  2. Heh yea, I'd love to try some of his cider though. If I remember correctly one of his special moves had him taking a big slurp and spitting it over his sword, having the consequent effect of blowing things up when he hit them with it. Actually, it's probably buckfast.

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