Thursday, 9 September 2010

Bytes: What's keeping you up?

Right, yeah, so this is my first blog post in a little while. Sorry.

Ha, I’m not really sorry. I recently became the proud owner of an Xbox 360 Slim and have spent a lot of time playing Halo 3 online and no time writing about games.

So far, mightily impressed and looking forward to Halo: Reach. I know that's pretty behind the curve, but fuck it, I only play what I pay for, so it's all new to me.

Xbox Live is a lot more robust than my experiences with the PlayStation Network. Also, it doesn’t require frequent mandatory, non-background updates to maintain its online functionality, so that’s a novel experience for someone more used to the PSN. Of course, I’m paying for the privilege, so to the long-pondered question of who has the best online service between Sony and Microsoft, the answer is they are both wankers.

So I’m a little bit out of the loop when it comes to all the latest gaming newses.

Here are a few things worth reporting on:-

Duke Nukem Forever is coming in 2011: One of the most anticipated games of all time, and one which has been in development for pretty much a decade, Gearbox Software have recently announced that they will finish (?) and release the oft-delayed and twice-unofficially-cancelled Duke Nukem Forever at some point in 2011. I was a little too young for Duke Nukem 3D, so I haven’t thrashed myself into a spunking frenzy the way some gamers appear to have, not least Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford. For someone who was just a bit too young at the time, the reason why Duke Nukem appears to have been so popular is due to the boobies and scatological humour of the earlier games. I like boobies and poo-poo-fart jokes as much as the next child, but the internet is full of boobies and poop and we might be a bit numb to it, and whilst you could view Duke Nukem Forever as a kind of satirical humour, games like GTA IV have shown us that video games can handle satire in a more restrained, sophisticated manner.

Also, seeing boobies and farty bum words in games is no longer uncommon. 

Another factor in my ambivalence is that it has been ten years. TEN FUCKING YEARS!! Even if Duke Nukem Forever is released in 2011, to live up to expectations, the game will literally need to be the Second Coming of a Jesus Christ that is capable of turning into a jet to fly you to the nearest ATM to get money out of your bottomless bank account before flying you to your private tropical island where Elton John and Rihanna are performing a cover of Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’, backed by the Allman Brothers Band.

Sony Fights Back Against Jailbreaking: To the lasting surprise of no-one, this week Sony released a mandatory security update designed to counter the piece of software going around the intertubes that allows users to jailbreak their PS3s. I’m sure that this security fix will prove to be a lasting barrier against this form of piracy. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!

Look, Mr. Sony, if you don’t want people to resort to these types of measures to mod their PS3s, then here is a hint: STOP REMOVING FEATURES, ASSHATS! First it was backwards-compatibility, then Linux. Fuck knows what’s next. Maybe support for removable memory and old SingStar mics. You’d better not though, or I’ll get mighty pissed when I can’t holler ‘The Greatest Love of All’ into an unhearing machine at 3:00am and then save it to a memory stick which I then mail to my mother. Love me, Mummy, LOVE ME!

Lots More Hype About Reach and Black-Ops: Both Bungie and Treyarch are in overdrive mode with hyping their big releases, Halo: Reach and Call of Duty: Black Ops respectively. There's no doubt that Black Ops is going to be the bigger seller of the pair, but Halo: Reach is a formidable opponent. Treyarch took over as the main developers of the Call of Duty series after an acrimonious split between original creators/developers Infinity Ward and publisher/overlord Activision. There is huge demand on them to produce something perfect, and if Black Ops isn't up to snuff, a better-reviewed Halo: Reach will only exaggerate its flaws.

What I really wanted to talk about was food. But maybe not just food. I dunno. Gamers sustenance maybe?

You know, if you are sitting down to a long session, what do you need within easy reach at all times? The foods/drinks/whatever that gets you through to the end? What works well and what doesn't?

My needs are simple. 

I need some sugary drinks. Preferably energy drinks: Red Bull, Relentless, a litre of Tescos Kick is good and reasonably priced. If I can't get that, then just something fizzy. Or water. Fuck it, I don't know. I just need something to drink.
I need my smokes. You might be one of those healthy people, good for you, you'll live like an extra ten years. Years you'll spend crapping your pants and wondering why no-one comes to visit at Christmas, but hey, ten years is ten years. I, however, am a filthy smoker. So I need my smokes. Marlboro Red please. And cigarettes are controller friendly too! Easy to dual wield. Also, I read in one of my sisters books that smoking makes you look cheap and men will think you're easy, which is fine by me.

I don't eat much when I game. There's rules to eating though, and it all depends how dirty you are. I can't stand grease on my console controllers yet my mouse is grimey Rascal. So, for me, it means no greasy crisps, no chips, nothing like that. Dry food only. Like a dog with an upset stomach.
One wonder food that fits the bill perfectly is hotdogs. They are easy-to-make, require little technical know how and can safely and easily be eaten while gaming. No grease on them, wooo! 

Here's my favourite recipe for hotdogs:

1) Buy some hotdogs and buns.
2) Cook hotdogs according to instructions on packet.
3) Place hotdogs in buns.
4) Eat hotdogs.

My lovely other half has astutely pointed out another one. Sweeties, preferably gummy things. Haribo or Wine Gums or some such shit. I had a great blast on the Halo 3 campaign the other day with just a can of shandy and a packet of Fruit Pastilles. Epic times were had.

[EDIT] Something has gone fucked up with the formatting on this page. Dunno what. Oh well.

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